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“What a difference a day makes,” I said as I looked around my home this morning, the day after an impromptu cookout with my friends. Five children and eight adults all having a great time, you can imagine the aftermath!
As soon as I said it, I thought a little bit deeper about that statement.
What a difference a day makes.
I love the song by the Miriam Dee Band, especially the part where Miriam belts out, “Twenty-four little hours, brought the sun and the flowers, where there used be rain. …” Time does change things, but >> More..
I take no credit whatsoever for Neil Clark Warren’s “Characteristics of Authentic People” (below), but in a time of busyness, chaos, and for some, troubled-waters at home and at work, authentic living is, I think, all we have to fall back on. Living according to your Core Self is the best reminder of living authentically.
Because our society so heavily emphasizes externals - what we can see, touch, and taste - there is not much discussion inn the media, at social gatherings, or even around family dinner tables about what it means to be internally authentic and genuine. Likewise, there is little dialogue about how to achieve a deep level of life satisfaction.
The lack of discourse on these topics leaves many people vague and unclear when it comes to the issues of contentment and authenticity. We’re left with many questions; How do we know - exactly - what it means to be authentic? How can we recognize this quality in others and in ourselves? What are the internal ingredients that will lead to contentment?
If you agree with me that contentment is contingent upon being authentic, then we would be wise to know precisely what authenticity looks like. I believe ten characteristics are present in authentic people. These are, in fact, the very threads that weave together the fabric of enduring contentment.
1. Authentic People Live In The Present
It’s all too easy to live life in the future or in the past. When this happens we relive the glories and missed opportunities of years gone by or we yearn for the better days ahead. In either case, we fail to experience life as it happens. You know someone, I’m sure, who always talks about the days of old (”Remember when our college football team played for the championship and I scored the winning touchdown?”) or how life will improve in the future (”When the kids are grown and out of the house, I’ll be free to do what I want”). There’s nothing wrong with having fond memories of the past and aspirations for the future, but when they dominate your life focus, you miss the joy and richness of life as it unfolds. >> More..
It’s a sad, though common, state of affairs. I see it in my office, hear about it from my friends, and struggle with it myself. In fact, it seems to be an epidemic among women, especially those with children.
I’m not talking about weight issues, marital strife, or financial concerns, although all of those are fair game. No, what I’m talking about is even more important than all those issues because without this, none of the others will “work out.†I’m talking about none other than balance.
Women today wear about a billion different hats: mother, wife, daughter, friend, professional, church volunteer, playdate organizer, etc. So it’s no surprise that the role most often neglected is that of self.
And really, this is no surprise. Think about it. When you neglect doing something for someone else such as attending your daughter’s softball game, making dinner for your family, or sending a birthday card to your sister, someone’s going to be a little put out. On the other hand, if you sacrifice taking care of yourself no one’s going to be upset. In other words, putting everyone’s needs above your own sometimes seems like the only negotiable option.
Unfortunately, it’s not quite as negotiable as you may think.
You may not feel the short-term effects of choosing other things and people over yourself day in and day out. You may even promise yourself that someday you’ll get around to paying attention to yourself and will make up for lost opportunities and time. Unfortunately, what you don’t realize is that each time you “bail out†on yourself someone does feel put out and left out: your True Self.
Deep inside something feels incredibly “right†when you nurture and care for your True Self’s needs and wants. You feel cared for, loved, and watched over, as if you were your own ideal mother. And just like a plant that is tended to, you grow, thrive, and are healthy. And of course the opposite is just as true: neglect leads to feelings of resentment, disdain, and unhealthy habits.
A friend of mine told me a story that illustrated this point quite well. She told me that she was on her way home from her yearly gynecologist visit when she realized that she was singing in the car, enjoying the weather, and feeling like a million bucks. She felt a huge sense of contentment because she did something for herself! Keep in mind that she was coming home from a doctor’s appointment, not some swanky spa day. A gynecologist appointment nonetheless!
There is no step-by-step program that leads to achieving this balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. Instead you just have to carve out personal time day in and day out. You can’t assume that someday it will become easier or that you’ll make up for the neglect at some point in the future. No, you just have to do it everyday without guilt, without feeling as if you are cheating others out of something.
For me, today is a perfect example. I worked on this article right after a hair appointment where I not only got a new look but was also able to read an entire issue of People Magazine! I easily could have filled that hour and a half time slot with clients, which would have meant more money; with kid-time, which would have meant excitement for my daughters; or cleaning time, which would have meant a shinny kitchen sink and super clean floors. All of those things are valuable but I had to remind myself that none are as valuable as taking care of myself.
You can’t sustain a busy life when you neglect the machine that handles all the business. Making yourself a priority is like spending quality time with a child; that time and energy creates a strong relationship that can handle rough patches. Without that time, rough patches become huge holes in the road of life.
So, no matter how you create time to take care of yourself, do it. And if you can’t create time, just take it! You may even have to do what a good friend does does. She literally writes “spontaneous time†in a 3-hour block on her calendar, and that appointment, just like yours, is 100% non-negotiable.
© 2008 I Choose Change
See I Choose Change’s Article Page.
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? No problem, as long as you include the following blurb at the conclusion of the article: I Choose Change is helping you live according to your True Self. If you’re interested in having a more fulfilled, balanced, and purposeful personal and professional life, get your FREE information now at http://www.ichoosechange.com.
Do you remember the video featuring Olivia Newton John working up a sweat in the early 80’s video, Let’s Get Physical? For some reason that image of her, in her workout leotard and sweat band, pumping weights with the buff guy in the background has always equated exercising to me. Pretty weird, I know.
Even though most people don’t think of Olivia Newton John when they think of exercise, everyone has beliefs associated with the “e-wordâ€. Some of the most common thoughts are:
- Exercise is hard and boring.
- Exercise is only for overweight people.
- The purpose of exercise is to look good.
- It costs money to exercise properly.
- I need to look good while exercising.
- Only athletic people should/can exercise.
- I’m too old/weak/uncoordinated to exercise.
- As long as I’m fairly skinny I don’t need to exercise.
The list of exercise beliefs and misconceptions goes on and on. We have beliefs about most aspects of our lives but when it comes to physical activity it’s really important that we re-examine our mindset.
You’d have to be pretty out-of-touch to deny that exercise is good for you. There isn’t a week goes by that the science community doesn’t turn up a new nugget of wisdom about the benefits of exercise. Exercise makes you feel and look better yet there’s a much more important reason to do it: exercise is vital if we want our bodies to function properly. Yet there are still many people who treat exercise like cooking or painting: a hobby they’d rather not engage in. If you’re one of those people, please indulge me; take a few minutes to see if replacing this (harmful) belief with a more accurate belief is something you might be willing to do.
Step One: Redefine Exercise
Exercise is not just a physical activity. Exercise is good for your mind and spirit. Instead of looking at exercise as difficult physical exertion, try one of the following beliefs:
- This 30 minute time is devoted to relaxing my mind. When I exercise I give it a break from all the information it has been processing.
- This 30 minute time is devoted to nurturing my body. When I exercise I am treating my body with respect and am responding to its needs.
- This 30 minute time is devoted to caring for my spirit. When I exercise I am purposely spending time away from the pressures of my daily life.
Step Two: Choose a Motivator
There are many evidence-based reasons to exercise. Some may hit home with you more than others. Check out the most recent findings about exercise and write down the one or two that really speak to you. Post these around your house so that you’ll still get out there and work up a sweat even when your mind comes up with excuses not to. (And it will, trust me.)
- Exercise tames cravings. Even a little exercise can prevent you from indulging in one more donut, one more beer, or even one more hour in front of the TV.
- Exercise keeps you young. By increases nerve cell strength in the hippocampus, your memory increases. Exercise will help banish your bouts of the lost-key-syndrome.
- Exercise keeps heart attacks at bay. When you get moving, lots of bad things decrease: inflammation, fatty build-up, and your cholesterol level.
- Exercise makes you happy. Working out stimulates dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine, the brain chemicals usually associated with depression.
- Exercise helps you get your Z’s. Forget the Ambien; a great side effect of exercising is better sleep.
- Exercise helps you get your groove back on. Physical activity improves your circulation and gives you more energy which means a more satisfying sex life.
- Exercise reduces cancer risks. Get these statistics: exercise reduces the risk of breast cancer for women by 40%. For men, the risk of prostate cancer decreases by 10-30%.
- Exercise makes you stand a little taller. Well, figuratively speaking at least. When you exercise your self-confidence increases, your mind calms down and you experience less stress at home and work.
Basically there are a million reasons to exercise and only a handful of “semi-legitimate†reasons not to. See if changing your mindset about what exercise means and why you should do it motivates you. I’d like to hear about your transformations…or even your attempts at transformation. Email me and let’s talk.
© 2008 I Choose Change
See I Choose Change’s Article Page.
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? No problem, as long as you include the following blurb at the conclusion of the article: I Choose Change is helping you live according to your True Self. If you’re interested in having a more fulfilled, balanced, and purposeful personal and professional life, get your FREE information now at http://www.ichoosechange.com.
Most people have something they want to change about themselves or the world around them. That’s actually the easy part - seeing who you want to be in the future. We visualize a thinner person, more organized surroundings, or someone who regularly goes to bed at 10am just to wake up bright and early to hit the gym before heading off to work. In our mind’s eye, it’s so clear what change we want to make. And in fact, have the INTENTION to make.
Alas, the PROCESS of change is what we don’t like. In November, it’s easy to visualize what action we’ll take in January. We visualize clearly laid out goals. But somewhere around December 28, the reality sets in that we actually have to implement that plan. Some of us do. Most of us, however, diminish the new actions somewhere around January 15, leaving a feeling of failure.
Change or Die
In fact, studies show that 90% of us won’t change when we’re given a life-altering ultimatum, including death. In his recent book, Change or Die, Alan Deutschman notes three traditional ways society as a whole tries to enforce change. His case studies range from hardened criminals who, if they don’t change will end up in prison for life, to heart patients who are told they must change their lifestyle, or die. By force, fact, or fear we try to get ourselves, others, our jobs and our home lives to change, but ultimately, those tactics just don’t work. So, what does?
Google “change my life” on the internet, and you’ll get 28 million results from people claiming to help you change (including yours truly)! Most of the ads promise success and are eager to tell the secret method of a happily-ever-after life. But with the statistics at 90% that those changes ultimately WON’T stick, it makes you wonder if change is even possible.
Our most formative years are during early childhood. This is the time when our brains are working overtime connect our neural connections and building new pathways. Those pathways are what eventually become habits.
Habits are like smooth grooves made by slick tires driven down the same dirt road over and over for an extended period of time. At first, the road is just green pasture, in fact, not even a “road.” But over time, no grass grows there anymore, and there are grooves where tires snuggly hug the dirt. Eventually, some grooves become deep troughs. And one unexpected day, your car gets stuck in one of those troughs of the dirt road. No backing up and no moving forward - that car’s not moving without some new maneuvers. All there is to do is park yourself in the trough, planning your escape.
Neural Troughs
Your brain works just this way. The “neural pathways” we speak of is the “dirt road” you’ve now created from repeated use. When we travel the same way over and over and over, a new habit has been formed - something you do without even being conscious of it - and a new pathway is created that will take some creative finagling to get out of. The deep troughs are the “stuck” moments of our lives; those times when we have to call on someone else or something else, to help bail us out.
Once you’re out of the ditch, consider what you’d think of you were told, “Don’t drive down the same road. You have to take a different path because this one has become too dangerous, and you are likely to really mess things up if you continue on the same path.” Looking around, all you see is green pasture. You say, “But, there’s no road there.” I would say, “Create one.” Create a new road; create a new neural pathway.
Driving through fresh green pasture seems strange. You have to drive slower, and really think about how you’re going to get to the SAME destination, yet drive a new path. 90% of us will end up back on the same dirt road, where the same deep trenches are, just hoping it doesn’t overtake our car. We even use our defense systems to obstruct the current state of affairs from our minds, blocking out the true condition of the road. We deny the road is really as bad as it is, saying, “That was just a fluke the day we got stuck.” We can intellectualize the state of affairs, thinking, “It’s just silly to drive through such lush, green grass and take double the time doing it when there’s a perfectly good (denial) road right here!”
The fact is, if we’re going to get to the end result we see in our visualizations, we just can’t take the same path. We can’t drive down the same beat-up road that’s going to get us stuck again. It’s not the destination that we don’t want - the end result - the change. It’s the process of getting there we don’t want to compromise on. It just doesn’t FEEL good.
Alan Deutschman says there are three requirements for change to occur, and I agree with them. We must relate, repeat, and reframe.
Relate = Have new hope
Repeat = Acquire new skills
Reframe = Embrace new thinking
New hope, new skills, and new thinking - that’s it! That’s all it takes to change.
Have Hope
To have new hope (relate) means to simply meet eye-to-eye with that someone - Counselor, Coach, Mentor, Leader - who instills in us a sense of hope. Someone that says, “I believe in you, you can do this!” This is the very reason therapy WORKS, at least initially (because remember, 90% of those who begin will NOT finish the job.) A Therapist’s job is to look a client square in the eye, and empathize with them. A Coach says, with all the warm feelings they can rally, they BELIEVE in them! As a Therapist and Coach, I want, in the depths of my soul, to see this person before me overcome the pain and turmoil they walked in the door with. I have hope for the possibilities of their new life. But that isn’t enough…
Walk the Walk
Letting the client know that I have hope for them is only a start. It instills optimism of a better life. But deeply, honestly BEING THERE just will not sustain the relationship between us, and it definitely won’t instill change. That comes when new skills are acquired.
I can tell within the first 2 sessions whether a client is truly on board or not. Why? Because they either do the homework I give them, or they don’t. When they do the work, and are willing to just put one foot in front of the other no matter what, they’re on their way to acquiring new skills. And very quickly, I might add! They aren’t using the defense mechanisms that sound like this:
“I just didn’t have the time.” (You think an hour a week is going to make this thing happen?)
“I went to Barnes and Noble and I couldn’t find that book.” (Hello, Amazon?)
“I skimmed it.” (See above.)
“I tried, but I just couldn’t get into it.” (Trying isn’t doing.)
I could go on and on. In order for real change to occur, we have to walk the walk. We don’t have to LIKE the walk; we just have to walk the walk.
Embrace New Thought
Reframing is my favorite. This simply means changing your mind. You have hope for change; you’re educating yourself and going through the motions, and over time, your neural pathways (your green pastures) begin to “gel.” They become habits. By doing something over and over again, you’ve now changed your mind - your perception, belief, habit, and conceptual framework (call it what you will).
This is FREEING. Changing your neural pathways doesn’t happen overnight. And often, it occurs as you come out of a “fog” one day and think, “Oh, hmm, I’m not in that place anymore. I survived.”
Yesterday, as I sat and watched my year and a half girls running and playing and having a grand old time, I said, as I do very often to no one in particular, “I just can’t believe they’re mine.” I’m in awe of their existence. And my mom said, as she always does, “It was all worth it.” What flashes in my mind in the very next moment, is my very own experience of the hospital stay. One that no one else in the room lived, nor understands, nor cares to know about. It was mine. I flash to the time I sat on my bed lonely, sad, alone, and sobbing. I can’t imagine that time now. The fog has lifted from my brain, and new pathways have formed. The pain of that time is long gone.
Take Alan Deutschman’s advice and use the three steps: relate, repeat, and reframe. One day at a time, one mentor at a time, and one walk at a time; change your neural pathways. Embark down a new path that doesn’t look like a path at all, only green pasture. Change will come when you just get moving through the process. Before you know it, your fog will be lifted.
This article is Part 2 of a 2 part series.)
Your Assignment this Week:
How have you tried to change in the past by facts, force, or fear? Did it work? Now that you know a new way of looking at change - relate, repeat, and reframe, think about how your change efforts will be different. Knowing that you are in the company of many others (90% of all people who attempt change), who ultimately don’t change can give you some releif just knowing you aren’t alone.
If you realize that the process of change, not the change itself, is what gets most of us stuck in our troughs, then become aware of that fact in your own life. Starting today, view change differently. Use the following questions as your guide
- What changes would you like to make in your life?
- What has stopped you from following through in the past?
- What is your biggest obstacle to change creation right now?
- Have you made an innate decision, no matter what, to change?
- Have you sought the help of a Counselor, Coach, Mentor or Leader to guide you through the process?
- If anything were possible, what would your life look like in one year?
- Have you sought the support of a group to hold you accountable?
- What are your next steps?
Starting today, think WAY out of the box. Intentionally do everything you can, to be different. If you normally take the stairs, now take the elevator. If you normally have soda for dinner, now have water. If you normally have bathtime for kids at 7:00pm, now have bathtime at 7:30pm. If you normally have eggs and toast, now have oatmeal and bacon.
Challenge yourself to do most everything different in your day, and journal how it makes you feel and what other observations you have. By doing this, you’re creating new neural pathways in your brain that say, “Change is ok, and it can be fun, too.”
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© 2008 I Choose Change
WANT TO SEE MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See I Choose Change’s Article Page
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? No problem, as long as you include the following blurb at the conclusion of the article: I Choose Change is Helping You Find Your Umph. If you’re interested in having a more fulfilled, balanced, and purposeful home and work lifestyle, get your FREE information now at http://www.ichoosechange.com
